This has been a BIG year for my 21-year-old! My Britta Marie graduated from college, went on a 3 week trip to Europe, and just 4 days ago got married to her best friend Neil! That’s a whole lot of life packed into one summer! But Britta handled it all with confidence and only a few tears. You see, even though she is officially an “adult” now, at 21 she is still teetering on the edge of youth and full-fledged adulthood. Neuroscientists have determined through brain scans that the brain is not fully finished developing until about age 25.
Psychologists call this life stage “emerging adulthood.”
As a mother, all this scientific data means one thing…my “baby girl” still has at least a few more years of growing up to do and although she is technically a married “woman” now, I hope I can still “mother” her through the last phases of her development. And if she’ll continue to let me “mother” her from a respectful distance beyond that, that will be icing on the cake!
Of course now that she is married, I anticipate any “mothering” will be trickier than before. So what’s the parent of an “emerging adult” to do? How do you strike a balance between being a friend and a mentor to your child? How do you give advice without coming off like a nag?
Here are a few ideas I am trying in order to maintain healthy relationship with my adult kids.
10 Tips for Parenting Adult {Or Almost Adult} Children
- Listen. Learn to listen with an open mind and a non-judgmental attitude. Adult children may not want your advice, they may just want a listening ear.
- Be patient. Let them come to you for advice and counsel. If you leave yourself open to receive them, they will know it and they will come in search of your wisdom and loving support.
- Be honest. Admit when you are wrong. Admitting our mistakes emphasizes that it is OK to make mistakes and that apologizing for them is the right thing to do.
- Be sensitive to what is meaningful in their lives. Among the great joys of parenting adult children is learning from them. Learn to appreciate them for who they have grown up to be.
- Be positive. Focus on what you love about your child and his or her life. No one likes to be criticized.
- Say “Thank You.” When we thank our children, we model the behavior we want and we have the pleasure of letting our children know we are grateful to them.
- Recognize and appreciate their individuality. Every child, young and old is unique. Whether you chose to accept it earlier, or not, when your child is an adult it is crucial that they have your support and encouragement to be themselves.
- Nurture the relationship. Friends do stuff together. They talk on the phone, send texts and spend time together exploring shared interests. They respect each other’s busy schedules, but find ways to stay connected.
- Offer advice with a disclaimer. Remind your children that it’s only advice and they don’t need to follow it.
- Be realistic. Remember that a good relationship is not synonymous with a smooth one and that parenting adult children is a work in progress.
Keep in mind that even though your child has achieved young adulthood, there will still be plenty of opportunities for you to do some good mothering. You may even find that this is the age when you do some of your best work.
The fact that Britta is now 21, the legal drinking age, does not escape me. As an alcoholic in recovery it is one of my biggest fears that I might somehow pass that awful predisposition down to my children. But I try to look at the positives of the situation rather than waste my time worrying about what hopefully will never happen. On the positive side: Britta has had an up-close and all too personal experience with the devastating effects of addiction to serve as a cautionary tale to her and the rest of my children. She also has been educated in how addiction is “no respecter of persons” and has shown great understanding and compassion for those affected by this destructive disease. I believe her decision to major in Psychology in college was in part influenced by the things she experienced as a teenager watching her mother battle addiction. While she could easily have played the role of “victim”, she instead chose to channel what she learned into a positive path…one where she hopes to help others who are going through the same or similar experiences. I know she will be a formidable force for good in the lives of many, many people throughout her life.
Being given the opportunity to write about my 21-year-old for Blogust ’13 could not have come at a more perfect time. As I stated earlier, this has been a summer full of major life passages for Britta. Watching my daughter sail through them all with grace and confidence has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my mothering career. I am grateful beyond words that the trials that she has gone through thus far in her life have made her strong and compassionate and know that both of those qualities will serve her well as she faces a bright and beautiful future.
I am also grateful that throughout her life she has been afforded the privilege of proper medical care. Unlike so many other children in the world, Britta has always had the necessary vaccines available to her that have allowed her to sail through her first 21 years free from disease.
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Every child deserves a shot at a healthy life, no matter where they live and yet many children in developing countries lack access to vaccines — often because they live in hard-to-reach communities. With your help, global vaccination programs can stop the 1.5 million unnecessary deaths that still happen every year from diseases like pneumonia, diarrhea, measles and polio, and ensure that all children, no matter where they live, have a shot at a healthy life.
During Shot@Life’s Blogust, 31 bloggers, one each day in August, are writing about moments that matter. For every comment on this post and the 30 other posts, Walgreens will donate a vaccine (up to 50,000 vaccines).
Sign up here for a daily email so you can quickly and easily comment and share every day during Blogust! Stay connected with Shot@Life at www.shotatlife.org, join the campaign on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. And be sure to check out Chloe Jeffrey’s post tomorrow.
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That is a big year! Congratulations and best wishes to Britta!!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.She sounds like an amazing young woman. Congratulations to all her recent life event/changes. Must be an incredible feeling to watch your daughter blossom into such a lovely young person.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.This is such a heart felt blog, as an adult daughter that married young I can relate to the changing relationships mothers, and mother-in-laws face with their new young adult daughters. I would say giving plenty of space for growth and independence is the greatest thing my parents have given me, because then, they were always there when I needed them to be. If they had hovered over me, I wouldn’t have felt liKe they were a good source for refuge.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.great post, helpful advice, let’s help shotatlife :)
Please log in or create a free account to comment.My mom and I are estranged right now all because of her constant criticism and judgement. I wish she had read these rules 6 months ago. Best wishes on earning vaccines!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Congratulations Britta!! :) And as the mother of a 19 year old son, this emerging adult relationship can be very hard. Here’s to “mothering” just a little while longer :)
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Congratulations to you and Britta! All the best for you all!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.TY Jillee…as always, your content, style, TRANSPARENCY, wisdom, and candor have made a terrific presentation! By your example, you demonstrate how to celebrate your gifts, while acknowledging your weaknesses and how you move through them, or even “use them for the forces of good”…you are a rare woman Jillee, and we appreciate you!!
I had three philosophies in raising my children…
1) I love & will be devoted to YOU…not as an extension of my myself, but as YOU and all that YOU are–strengths and weaknesses both. I will forgive you (as He forgave us), and I will stand next to you as YOU accept responsibility/held accountable for what you do.
2) I am raising YOU to be a “successful” adult…this means a law abiding good citizen who can keep a job, & have successful relationships in your personal life & work life; these are the foundation of a “good life”.
3) and finally…”If God had intended you to raise yourself then you would have been HATCHED FROM A EGG, and not entrusted to ME. Your not gonna make me look bad.”
Yes…I live my life with a sense of humor (and irony too, LOL!).
Lastly…like you I was transparent with my children about mistakes (and how I made them) and successes (and how I pulled that off)…not because I LOVE to talk about myself, but to share how I came about knowing what I know. Neither of them repeated my mistakes, but managed to make their own (LOL!)…yes, they accepted responsibility & the consequences and learned by it all…I call that success :-)
Today…I am more of myself then I ever was when I was actively being their “24/7” Mom–I have activities and interests and successes of my own (Yea Mom!). They are my adult children, who are my favorite friends, who share their lives, and we root for each-other always…they for me (and my new husband), and us for them. One of those children announced they were having a baby at the beginning of Senior year (not a highlight)…and that little girl (adore HER!) & her Mommy are now part of this “2013 Walton’s Family”.
“Lather, rinse, repeat”…
Please log in or create a free account to comment.It was a pleasure meeting you at the Mom+Social in NYC. Loved the post and congrats to your Britta!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thanks Jillee. Very timely advice as both my children are emerging adults. I have always said that parenting gets harder the older the children are. All excellent points to keep in mind.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.I absolutely ADORE your daughter’s wedding gown. So original and beautiful. As an ’emerging adult’ myself I can totally relate to still holding on to your youth but needing to flourish as an adult. Parent’s are so integral to this! Thanks for such a beautiful post!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.My 30 year old daughter lost her precious dog this morning, the first one she calledat 5:30am ? MOM. My 26 year old has 2 babies 2, and 14 months, who she calls for advice? MOM
My 21 year old just received her LVN license after a one year program, who got her her first job? MOM
No matter their age, they still need their mama’s. Great advise Jillee…..Wait till the grand kids start arriving,, it’s really awesome!!!!!
Like that I don’t have to cook and clean as much, but all three still bring me their tough laundry jobs. My nickname? The Laundry Fairy! LOL!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thanks for such a great post. It is hard when they grow up and move on. We are so afraid for them and don’t want our kids to have any of the bad things to happen to them. It’s called Love.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.What a great reminder, beautifully written and thank you for sharing. Just and add on though this is a great reminder that your list doesn’t end after 25. It’s a great reminder for all the continuing years because mothering never ends it just gets better when you remember these tips.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thanks for your tips and overall honesty shown in this post.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.What a beautiful daughter and story.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.My goodness – you sound like such a wonderful mother…and I remember the time when I was experiencing these same times with my daughter and then just last year with one of my granddaughters. Your advice is so on target…advice that I need to remember as I continue my relationship with my grown children and now grown grandchildren with whom I have a very close relationship….just so tempting sometimes to try to make things happen “my way”.
Thanks for sharing.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thanks for sharing! What a fun summer for you, too!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.As the Mother of adult children, I love your tips and have to remind myself often, they are adults now. All any of us can do is the best we know to do at the time :)
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thank you for this beautiful reminder. I appreciate being able to provide help for those not able to get it otherwise. Best wishes to the newlyweds!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thanks for sharing — Congrats Britta!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Our princess ballerina just turned 21 and moved out to be closer to work and friends. I know she’s a beautiful capable young woman and I am so proud of all oh her accomplishments. I know she will make wise decisions and ask for help and advise when she needs it. But her daddy is having a hard time. I think I will have him read this post. The leash and chock collar are keeping him under control for now, but oi vey, he’s such a jewish mother.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.I am 46 and my mother still “mothers” me. :D This used to drive me absolutely crazy because I just wanted to be my own person. But now I just sigh and roll my eyes because I am old enough to recognize her mortality and that soon enough, she will be in another place and I wish she was still here.
Nevertheless, I should post this on my refrigerator because I have a 27 year old and guess what I’ve become? You got it, my mother. :D
Charlotte
Please log in or create a free account to comment.as always great post………….Britta and Neil make a beautiful couple…………..wishing many years of wedded bliss…………….
Please log in or create a free account to comment.This is a great post, and your daughter is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
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