This has been a BIG year for my 21-year-old! My Britta Marie graduated from college, went on a 3 week trip to Europe, and just 4 days ago got married to her best friend Neil! That’s a whole lot of life packed into one summer! But Britta handled it all with confidence and only a few tears. You see, even though she is officially an “adult” now, at 21 she is still teetering on the edge of youth and full-fledged adulthood. Neuroscientists have determined through brain scans that the brain is not fully finished developing until about age 25.
Psychologists call this life stage “emerging adulthood.”
As a mother, all this scientific data means one thing…my “baby girl” still has at least a few more years of growing up to do and although she is technically a married “woman” now, I hope I can still “mother” her through the last phases of her development. And if she’ll continue to let me “mother” her from a respectful distance beyond that, that will be icing on the cake!
Of course now that she is married, I anticipate any “mothering” will be trickier than before. So what’s the parent of an “emerging adult” to do? How do you strike a balance between being a friend and a mentor to your child? How do you give advice without coming off like a nag?
Here are a few ideas I am trying in order to maintain healthy relationship with my adult kids.
10 Tips for Parenting Adult {Or Almost Adult} Children
- Listen. Learn to listen with an open mind and a non-judgmental attitude. Adult children may not want your advice, they may just want a listening ear.
- Be patient. Let them come to you for advice and counsel. If you leave yourself open to receive them, they will know it and they will come in search of your wisdom and loving support.
- Be honest. Admit when you are wrong. Admitting our mistakes emphasizes that it is OK to make mistakes and that apologizing for them is the right thing to do.
- Be sensitive to what is meaningful in their lives. Among the great joys of parenting adult children is learning from them. Learn to appreciate them for who they have grown up to be.
- Be positive. Focus on what you love about your child and his or her life. No one likes to be criticized.
- Say “Thank You.” When we thank our children, we model the behavior we want and we have the pleasure of letting our children know we are grateful to them.
- Recognize and appreciate their individuality. Every child, young and old is unique. Whether you chose to accept it earlier, or not, when your child is an adult it is crucial that they have your support and encouragement to be themselves.
- Nurture the relationship. Friends do stuff together. They talk on the phone, send texts and spend time together exploring shared interests. They respect each other’s busy schedules, but find ways to stay connected.
- Offer advice with a disclaimer. Remind your children that it’s only advice and they don’t need to follow it.
- Be realistic. Remember that a good relationship is not synonymous with a smooth one and that parenting adult children is a work in progress.
Keep in mind that even though your child has achieved young adulthood, there will still be plenty of opportunities for you to do some good mothering. You may even find that this is the age when you do some of your best work.
The fact that Britta is now 21, the legal drinking age, does not escape me. As an alcoholic in recovery it is one of my biggest fears that I might somehow pass that awful predisposition down to my children. But I try to look at the positives of the situation rather than waste my time worrying about what hopefully will never happen. On the positive side: Britta has had an up-close and all too personal experience with the devastating effects of addiction to serve as a cautionary tale to her and the rest of my children. She also has been educated in how addiction is “no respecter of persons” and has shown great understanding and compassion for those affected by this destructive disease. I believe her decision to major in Psychology in college was in part influenced by the things she experienced as a teenager watching her mother battle addiction. While she could easily have played the role of “victim”, she instead chose to channel what she learned into a positive path…one where she hopes to help others who are going through the same or similar experiences. I know she will be a formidable force for good in the lives of many, many people throughout her life.
Being given the opportunity to write about my 21-year-old for Blogust ’13 could not have come at a more perfect time. As I stated earlier, this has been a summer full of major life passages for Britta. Watching my daughter sail through them all with grace and confidence has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my mothering career. I am grateful beyond words that the trials that she has gone through thus far in her life have made her strong and compassionate and know that both of those qualities will serve her well as she faces a bright and beautiful future.
I am also grateful that throughout her life she has been afforded the privilege of proper medical care. Unlike so many other children in the world, Britta has always had the necessary vaccines available to her that have allowed her to sail through her first 21 years free from disease.
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Every child deserves a shot at a healthy life, no matter where they live and yet many children in developing countries lack access to vaccines — often because they live in hard-to-reach communities. With your help, global vaccination programs can stop the 1.5 million unnecessary deaths that still happen every year from diseases like pneumonia, diarrhea, measles and polio, and ensure that all children, no matter where they live, have a shot at a healthy life.
During Shot@Life’s Blogust, 31 bloggers, one each day in August, are writing about moments that matter. For every comment on this post and the 30 other posts, Walgreens will donate a vaccine (up to 50,000 vaccines).
Sign up here for a daily email so you can quickly and easily comment and share every day during Blogust! Stay connected with Shot@Life at www.shotatlife.org, join the campaign on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. And be sure to check out Chloe Jeffrey’s post tomorrow.
Thanks in advance for your comments!
This post is inspired by Shot@Life, an initiative of the United Nations Foundation that educates, connects and empowers the championing of vaccines as one of the most cost effective ways to save the lives of children in the world’s hardest to reach places. Every comment on this post means a life-saving vaccination will be donated to a child in need!
One more vaccine! And thanks for the good advice…
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Gee, when I turn 25 I’ll need to have an especially big birthday party, for me and for my BRAIN! :)
Please log in or create a free account to comment.A very moving post – as the mum of adult children I empathise entirely – and will second your advice – I feel blessed that my 34yr old still rings mum when she needs to, and am thankful that we got through our “hiccups” to the other side of the teens!! J x
Please log in or create a free account to comment.What a great sentiment, thanks for sharing
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Happy to help any child in need receive a vaccine to keep them healthy!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Congradulations on your daughters marriage! I’m a mother to two emerging adults. A daughter 26 who is a nurse and owns her own home and just had weight loss surgery. Before surgery she was very insecure about her self and never had a boyfriend or dated much. Now she is like a butterfly emerging and it is a little scary to see her dating and I hope she will make good choices! My son is 22 and has been a challenge in so far as following through on college classes and he seems to struggle a lot and it depresses him. I am going to print the helpful advice in the blog to help me and his father help him so he can become the wonderful man he is meant to be!
Thank you!!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Your post reflects the natural progression of my relationship with my mother. Every step of my life has gone through my mom’s gradual stages of giving me more freedom and letting go: letting me be free to make my own way yet she has ALWAYS been there for advice or support, no matter my successes or failures. The key is always be there for your child/children with an open heart and open mind. Your post is very insightful, Jillee. Thank you.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.I too have a married daughter. Our roles do change as Mothers as we have son-in-laws and their families that we share our children with. Our roles as parents to married children do shift. Thank you for your blog, I enjoy it. Congratulations to you beautiful daughter on her nuptials.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Such a wonderful post, your daughter sounds like a lovely “emerging adult.” Thanks for sharing!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.As my eldest just turned 19 this blog title caught my attention and I’m so glad I read it. Your love and admiration for your daughter could be felt through the entire article. The words of advice were well thought out. I am a 47 years old and still use the ‘well’ that my mother has provided through the years. As my grandfather said, we never stop learning! And I have learned that your parents can be one of your best resources and am very grateful for it!
Thanks for the great article Jillee!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.You are most welcome Wendy…so glad you enjoyed it! :-)
Please log in or create a free account to comment.I read your post with interest. Although my/our daughters are over the age of 25 I am always wondering about the best way to have a relationship with them. It is a Very Important part of my life..and obviously yours.
Thank you…I seem to be doing a good job of it since I am doing what I “should”.
I lost my Mom when I was not even a teen and I raised my family by intuition and learning what not to do..that was done to me. Any insight into the sometimes difficult relationship with my adult daughters is worth it’s weight in gold.
Thank you for caring and for passing on your insight.
Congratulations for adding another person to love into your family.
Thank you too for this wonderful blog! I can’t tell you how much I have gained from reading it.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thank you for all of your wonderful posts. You so frequently touch on many aspects of life that are truly important.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.It was perfect timing to read the 10 tips to parenting young adults.
My son, 23 is getting married, another son moved out age 24 and our daughter who had her first baby is figuring it out. Three great kids but many new things to learn for all of us.
I was at a leadership conference the other week and a speaker said that when you help someone who hasn’t asked for help you are either judging their abilities or trying to validate your own self. I think this can be true for mothers of adult children who jump in rather than wait to be asked for advise or help.
Finding a good balance,
Please log in or create a free account to comment.DD
What a beautiful post!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Great advice! Parenting is the toughest job. Definitely sharing your advice/reminders. You Rock!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.These are great tips. As an 32-year-old with awesome parents, I can say these tips work well. :) Your daughter is beautiful!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.As the mother of a son who will be married this Saturday and a daughter in graduate school, I have been walking the tightrope of parenting adults. Sometimes they are so independent that it seems as though they forget they have parents and other times they look for comfort or advice when things go wrong. Most times, I think I am managing it pretty well. Thanks for the tips.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.great list of tips to communicate with your adult chld
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Ref-Big year for my 21year old, healthy adulthood provided by parenting&motherhood is best biological
Please log in or create a free account to comment.gift to the society.Emerging adulthood should address socio-culture aspects as complete value based education/career/social process responsible for better society development.Parenting at this phase should share life experience/teaching/priority decision for future family/social life with emerging adulthood.
Thanks for sharing your story as part of blogust!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Such lovely words and so wonderful to see a parent who recognises they are blessed with the privileged to parent a child, do it well and delivery an emerging adult with good moral grounding that will give to the world. I am sure that your words will provide guidance for others as the walk the rocky road of parenting.
With so much happening in the world; Chris Lanes needless shooting, the gas attack in Damascus, my heart is often so heavy with sorrow and my mind wonders….why? Who raised the children/emerging adults and even adults that let society down. How do we break this cycle???? Why do people act so badly towards others???
But this idea is great….paying it forward with good words and support. Vaccines for kids that need it is a wonderful way to make a difference!!! We can only hope that by nurturing and giving to those in need, the world will be rewarded with more GOOD people.
Thank-you for being passionate to care, parent this emerging adult , because our world needs so many more. Good luck to all parents…raise good kids and love them with all of your hearts!!!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thank you so much for this post. My son went to college last year and has lived on his own since he started. Some days are just hard with the quiet here at home. I miss him so much but would never want to hold him back from his dreams. When I think about him I say a prayer for him and text him to check in. Now I don’t text him every time I think of him because that would get really annoying. I look forward to every visit.
You are a great Mom. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Congrats! Great tips (& pics). Best wishes to all!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Beautiful advice…..the next decade will be so exciting for you…my 31 year old daughter is my best friend. She recently had her first child (my granddaughter is 9months old) and just went back to work part time. We’ve gone from the mothering, to the I can do this on my own, back to the Mom, how do you do…. It’s been a great ride….I’ve learned so much from her and am so very proud of the young woman she’s become.
Oh, and babysitting my granddaughter has brought new meaning to my life as I mother another generation.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Wow thank you for your sincerity and sharing such a personal story of your family life. God bless you.
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