This has been a BIG year for my 21-year-old! My Britta Marie graduated from college, went on a 3 week trip to Europe, and just 4 days ago got married to her best friend Neil! That’s a whole lot of life packed into one summer! But Britta handled it all with confidence and only a few tears. You see, even though she is officially an “adult” now, at 21 she is still teetering on the edge of youth and full-fledged adulthood. Neuroscientists have determined through brain scans that the brain is not fully finished developing until about age 25.
Psychologists call this life stage “emerging adulthood.”
As a mother, all this scientific data means one thing…my “baby girl” still has at least a few more years of growing up to do and although she is technically a married “woman” now, I hope I can still “mother” her through the last phases of her development. And if she’ll continue to let me “mother” her from a respectful distance beyond that, that will be icing on the cake!
Of course now that she is married, I anticipate any “mothering” will be trickier than before. So what’s the parent of an “emerging adult” to do? How do you strike a balance between being a friend and a mentor to your child? How do you give advice without coming off like a nag?
Here are a few ideas I am trying in order to maintain healthy relationship with my adult kids.
10 Tips for Parenting Adult {Or Almost Adult} Children
- Listen. Learn to listen with an open mind and a non-judgmental attitude. Adult children may not want your advice, they may just want a listening ear.
- Be patient. Let them come to you for advice and counsel. If you leave yourself open to receive them, they will know it and they will come in search of your wisdom and loving support.
- Be honest. Admit when you are wrong. Admitting our mistakes emphasizes that it is OK to make mistakes and that apologizing for them is the right thing to do.
- Be sensitive to what is meaningful in their lives. Among the great joys of parenting adult children is learning from them. Learn to appreciate them for who they have grown up to be.
- Be positive. Focus on what you love about your child and his or her life. No one likes to be criticized.
- Say “Thank You.” When we thank our children, we model the behavior we want and we have the pleasure of letting our children know we are grateful to them.
- Recognize and appreciate their individuality. Every child, young and old is unique. Whether you chose to accept it earlier, or not, when your child is an adult it is crucial that they have your support and encouragement to be themselves.
- Nurture the relationship. Friends do stuff together. They talk on the phone, send texts and spend time together exploring shared interests. They respect each other’s busy schedules, but find ways to stay connected.
- Offer advice with a disclaimer. Remind your children that it’s only advice and they don’t need to follow it.
- Be realistic. Remember that a good relationship is not synonymous with a smooth one and that parenting adult children is a work in progress.
Keep in mind that even though your child has achieved young adulthood, there will still be plenty of opportunities for you to do some good mothering. You may even find that this is the age when you do some of your best work.
The fact that Britta is now 21, the legal drinking age, does not escape me. As an alcoholic in recovery it is one of my biggest fears that I might somehow pass that awful predisposition down to my children. But I try to look at the positives of the situation rather than waste my time worrying about what hopefully will never happen. On the positive side: Britta has had an up-close and all too personal experience with the devastating effects of addiction to serve as a cautionary tale to her and the rest of my children. She also has been educated in how addiction is “no respecter of persons” and has shown great understanding and compassion for those affected by this destructive disease. I believe her decision to major in Psychology in college was in part influenced by the things she experienced as a teenager watching her mother battle addiction. While she could easily have played the role of “victim”, she instead chose to channel what she learned into a positive path…one where she hopes to help others who are going through the same or similar experiences. I know she will be a formidable force for good in the lives of many, many people throughout her life.
Being given the opportunity to write about my 21-year-old for Blogust ’13 could not have come at a more perfect time. As I stated earlier, this has been a summer full of major life passages for Britta. Watching my daughter sail through them all with grace and confidence has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my mothering career. I am grateful beyond words that the trials that she has gone through thus far in her life have made her strong and compassionate and know that both of those qualities will serve her well as she faces a bright and beautiful future.
I am also grateful that throughout her life she has been afforded the privilege of proper medical care. Unlike so many other children in the world, Britta has always had the necessary vaccines available to her that have allowed her to sail through her first 21 years free from disease.
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Every child deserves a shot at a healthy life, no matter where they live and yet many children in developing countries lack access to vaccines — often because they live in hard-to-reach communities. With your help, global vaccination programs can stop the 1.5 million unnecessary deaths that still happen every year from diseases like pneumonia, diarrhea, measles and polio, and ensure that all children, no matter where they live, have a shot at a healthy life.
During Shot@Life’s Blogust, 31 bloggers, one each day in August, are writing about moments that matter. For every comment on this post and the 30 other posts, Walgreens will donate a vaccine (up to 50,000 vaccines).
Sign up here for a daily email so you can quickly and easily comment and share every day during Blogust! Stay connected with Shot@Life at www.shotatlife.org, join the campaign on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. And be sure to check out Chloe Jeffrey’s post tomorrow.
Thanks in advance for your comments!
This post is inspired by Shot@Life, an initiative of the United Nations Foundation that educates, connects and empowers the championing of vaccines as one of the most cost effective ways to save the lives of children in the world’s hardest to reach places. Every comment on this post means a life-saving vaccination will be donated to a child in need!
Good advice. Thanks for sharing it. Lovely daughter and lovely pictures. She resembles you. Best wishes for Britta and Neil; may they have a wonderful and fun trip through life together.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thank you for these words of wisdom, as I prepare to send my son off to college in a few weeks!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Rinda
Thank you for sharing part of your story and for being part of this amazing campaign. It is very rewarding to know there are people out there like you who share my passion to help make this world a better place every way we can. May your kind spirit lead you and yours down paths of happiness and health always. All the best, Vivian
Please log in or create a free account to comment.“Be honest. Admit when you are wrong. Admitting our mistakes emphasizes that it is OK to make mistakes and that apologizing for them is the right thing to do.” <–great advice that we try to follow as well. Thank you for role modeling, and for contributing to this fabulous campaign.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.I think that’s great advice for almost all relationships! Thanks for posting.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thanks for the great article and for supporting vaccinations. I too am grateful that my children have access to life-saving medical care.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Congrats to you on the important milestones of this year – and for taking on the important issue of vaccination this Blogust!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Definitely posting for a daily reminder!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thank you so much for supporting Shot@Life!!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Wonderful words of advice as usual! Beautiful daughter/bride!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Well done article. I have always said my greatest accomplishment in life is raising 2 thoughtful,respectful well mannered sons. I always made sure that I taught them to cook,clean, do laundry,and even sew a button or hem . I want my daughter in laws to love me !!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Good post! My baby girl is only 2, but I think these are good things to remember for children any age. Also go vaccines! yay!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Great post. I kind of disagree about not being an adult til you are 25. Many people are mature at 21 or less. Some never act like an adult…
Please log in or create a free account to comment.I am not a proponant of vaccines. America’s overall health for developed countries is 28th in the world. Vaccines from America have been killing infants in other countries. Have you not been reading the news lately ? A great web site for vaccine info is NVIC .We have some of the sickest children in the world and one of the highest death rates among infants in their first year of life. I have been a nurse for over 30 years and i have seen first hand the increasing illnesses and allergies brought on by our health care system. It has gotten worse, not better in the time i have been a nurse. We are doing many things wrong and we need to rethink what we are doing and stop being led by big pharmaseutical companies who spend billions lobbying in Washington.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.I implore you to educate yourself about vaccine safety by going to some of the web sites not sponsered by pharmacuetical companies and read the stories of some of the thousands hurt by some of these vaccines.
Respectfully yours, J , Espo
So how do you merge this opinion with the fact that Polio has been eradicated in the United States? The unhealthy children probably has a lot more to do with anti-bacterial everything than with vaccines. And if you look at the data, states that have the highest percentage of unvaccinated children also have the highest rates of illnesses that can be prevented by vaccines. Health care probably does need a reform, but not giving people vaccines definitely isn’t the answer to keeping people healthy.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Hi Jillee,
Please log in or create a free account to comment.You really are a pretty great mother. I had never really thought about how to be a mother to an adult; it really is kind of a weird idea.
A close friend told me that a child is lent to us by God. Sooner or later, we have to let them go so that they can spread their wings and go out into the world. This won’t be easy for many parents because they have cared for their children for a long time and are hesitant about letting them go. You have found true courage with all the wonderful things that happened to your daughter throughout summer. Congratulations to you and to your daughter!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Well said – you certainly have a way with words.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.That was a lovely post
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thank you for sharing your personal story. As a “mother,” I hope that I can reinforce these values to my child and stepchildren!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Sounds like you are a terrific mom and I would bet that your daughter won’t mind the extra “mothering” as a young adult!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Lovely post that spoke to me as the mother of 19, 22, and 23 year old adultish children.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Beautifully written and so honest and true. Best wishes to ALL of you!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Lovely Post! Keep on keepin’ on!
Please log in or create a free account to comment.That was a beautiful post about your daughter and how to be a good parent. Somehow, I wished my parents did all the things that you have listed. But at the same time because they did not do majority of those things, I became the person I am today. I am respectful, truthful, dedicated, and loved. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and advice.
Please log in or create a free account to comment.Thanks for the advice – have a son going off to college tomorrow and i will definitely need this! Congrats to you and your daughter
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